I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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