...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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