The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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