Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
