I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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