I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I need moral support for this bender
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
