Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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