i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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