I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
