Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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