i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
