i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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