a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
