Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
