Umm I'm too high to move.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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