I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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