it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
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Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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