After last night, I could never be a politician.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
