WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
