your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
why is half of my head shaved?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
