I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
