I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
