So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every concussion has its silver lining
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
