I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
