Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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