I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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