Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
