I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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