He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
