my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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