If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
