Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
