Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
