My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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