If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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