He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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