Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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