i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
