I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
