you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
