3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
