Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
