I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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