i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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