she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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