It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
