This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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