our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pants are for mortals
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
