I wish my penis had an off switch
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
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