rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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