you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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