If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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