Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
