I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
