If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
