I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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